hello

What a fucking night!!

This may take time to write as i have 2 broken fingers lol. (Well not really lol cos it hurts).

Had the biggest bust up with my flat mate!! Like a proper punch up and i smashed the flat up! Which was silly as i now have to pay for everything to get it replaced so i guess i will try not to do that again!! She hit me, ripped my top, bra! everything! (she is a lesbian so i just blame that to her wanting my body lol)

It started cos she agreed to pick me up from work on monday night and the cancelled cos she wanted to get her leg over with some bird! I was well fucking angry cos 10 o clock at night im sitting on a bus going home in the heart of essex!! So got home and placed me key in the door! (she wouldnt be able to get in! Childish i know but i was angry) She then came home with this girl! which i was not amused about as i had to be up at 5 this morning! (well i would have been) So i didnt let her in! and she was going mad banging on the door and windows lol then she said 'I~f you dont open this door im going to smash ur face in u silly cow' Now that sent me over the edge and she came in and we had a massive fight in the living room with the 8 head listening to everything!

The thing is she tells me that she is in love with me and cos i said i like men and it would never happen she is doing this to spite me cos i brought someone back a few weeks ago and she got jelouse! Well i was jelouse last night and it hurt! 8 head and the lesbo was in the kitchen and I walked past to get a drink and they was kissing! and i was quiet jelouse and pissed off! Then we had another massive arguement which resulted in my smashing up things (like her fav annie lennox cd) which i dont actually feel to bad about it lol.

Smashed cds, vases, jewllry thrown everywhere, paper all over the place and the in started on the coke (the drink lol) and i threw it everywhere!!

Was i over reacting?? I think at some points i was but i asked her to pick me up as a friend and she wanted a fuck so she cancelled on me! HER BEST FRIEND!! which i found so hurtful!!

But i spose it will all end uo being my falut when she wakes up! She still has 8 head over in her room! Which ihas all my clothes in it and some more of my things

So what do i do now?!?!?! I said i was going to leave and move out but I fucking well aint going to!!

Please help thi little girl on the edge!

V

I dont know what to do. Why am i crying to a computer screen who cant help me!

I hate myself so much!

V

Howdey

Sat here on a monday morning of yet another day not going to university. Tut! not because i didnt want to go but how can i concentrate after having only 2 hours sleep. Not right!
I had a massive argument with one of best mates last night and ended up in a full blown fight with her. It was over such a silly reason which i wont go into detail on but lets just say i was a bit out of order to her. We seem okay this morning but i cant help thinking if there is something wrong with me. I just have so much aggression and i can hit out at the smallest things. It like there is a different person inside my head telling me that im such a bad person and I dont deserve to be here. Then this other person who I love and I know everyone else does too.

Hitting the bottle as they say lol. Im hitting it hard. I cant stop drinking and smoking. I had not had a fag for like 2 months and just went downstairs and bought a ten pack of B&H. Feels horrible when i breathe it in but having it there gives me some sort of control and power knowing I am doing that to my self. If only people new the truth about me and how i was feeling inside. I get drunk and sleep with random people and flirt till my hearts content. Lead people on! WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I think i just want attention and im not getting it. I want people to know I am around.

Im doing things that are making everyone else happy and yet my 'true colours' are showing through!

Help me! before i start going down a path i dont want to and i get lost.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Howdey all!

Just heard Britney Spears new song and i totally understand why she has released that song lol. I think its awsome.

Im feeling better now. Bit of a confession the guy was was telling me how beautiful he thought i was and then the next time asking me for a fuck????............ Well he came back to mine (before u get judgemental) we didnt fuck but we had a kiss and that and it was nice, he didnt try it on. I just dont understand :S i think he might be trying to lead me on to other things by coming over as a nice guy! but hasnt really spoke to me since. We shall see.

Im nervous as i go out to work next monday for 8 weeks then im back at university. I try not to let on that im nervous but i am scared as hell.

Rugby is going really good. We havent lost a game yet and i have been distancing myself from the coach who really pissed me off that time.

Im still feeling cold and a little unloved even though i seem like the most loved person. Am i being a stupid spoilt brat? i think so!

V

xxxx

Much love to all who read and leave comments