hello

Well.....

Havent been on here in ages! Feels good to be able to start writing again!

Alots happened! Iv moved back home to my wonderful family who have been very supportive with me and my really bad choices of life!!! Ever choice iv made on my own seems to be a bad one!

Dont talk to me ex no more! She is living in our old flat and with her ugly GF!!!! God it still makes me mad! I have no feelings for her but when im around her I get sexual feelings! I hate it so much because i really hate her!

Well university is sort of going out the window! Got withdrawn from the course! because i failed some of my exams! 2 out of 7 exams i failed and they withdraw me! how harsh is that! I'm appealing though so fingers crossed I will be able to get back on it. I also need a job while im waiting! I dont care what it is! And its coming up to xmas so they will be looking for temps wont they So im praying for a job now so i can have some money!!!

Love life is still the same!!! Been a bit of a slut lately! Sleeping around with a few differnt fellas and being a right flirt! I think im doing it for my self confidence and a boost! Everyone needs one now and again. I wonder what people would think of me if they really knew me and what I was like. Please god dont let them find out.

Rugby is still going good. I had a jaw operation which was pure torcher!!! Its healing nicely and i have my first game back on the 26th october! so if i remember I will write on here and let u know how it goes.......

Comments please!! i love reading them and it makes me feel so much better also advice is always good

Tata!!!

xxxxxxx

howdey all

Its been a while since i wrote anything.

I think i am ready for a relationship and i know it would be better for me if i was in one. Do i have to go out there and find it or do i wait and let it find me? I think i fancy anyone who pays attention to me. Sad i know!

Know one would want me anyways cos im so angry all the time. im really stressed out with university and living on my own. My flat mate and i really do not get on anymore cos we had an affair and we still like eachother but she has a gf now and i dont like it. We have had actualy punch ups (read previous blogs).

My phone got smashed up in one of the fights now i am waiting for a new one to come through! Grrr! Why am i so angry all the time that i cant control my temper?!

Anyone else experiane these blackouts and can teach me how to relax :S xx

Im drinking alot again and its helping! I love being pissed as i can forget about everything! Im harming again not just myself but anyone in my way and i cant stop. Im a fucking wreck but its my path of life i spose! When im at work im great person! caring loving but get me home and i hate everyone and everything!

Im pissed now!

What a fucking night!!

This may take time to write as i have 2 broken fingers lol. (Well not really lol cos it hurts).

Had the biggest bust up with my flat mate!! Like a proper punch up and i smashed the flat up! Which was silly as i now have to pay for everything to get it replaced so i guess i will try not to do that again!! She hit me, ripped my top, bra! everything! (she is a lesbian so i just blame that to her wanting my body lol)

It started cos she agreed to pick me up from work on monday night and the cancelled cos she wanted to get her leg over with some bird! I was well fucking angry cos 10 o clock at night im sitting on a bus going home in the heart of essex!! So got home and placed me key in the door! (she wouldnt be able to get in! Childish i know but i was angry) She then came home with this girl! which i was not amused about as i had to be up at 5 this morning! (well i would have been) So i didnt let her in! and she was going mad banging on the door and windows lol then she said 'I~f you dont open this door im going to smash ur face in u silly cow' Now that sent me over the edge and she came in and we had a massive fight in the living room with the 8 head listening to everything!

The thing is she tells me that she is in love with me and cos i said i like men and it would never happen she is doing this to spite me cos i brought someone back a few weeks ago and she got jelouse! Well i was jelouse last night and it hurt! 8 head and the lesbo was in the kitchen and I walked past to get a drink and they was kissing! and i was quiet jelouse and pissed off! Then we had another massive arguement which resulted in my smashing up things (like her fav annie lennox cd) which i dont actually feel to bad about it lol.

Smashed cds, vases, jewllry thrown everywhere, paper all over the place and the in started on the coke (the drink lol) and i threw it everywhere!!

Was i over reacting?? I think at some points i was but i asked her to pick me up as a friend and she wanted a fuck so she cancelled on me! HER BEST FRIEND!! which i found so hurtful!!

But i spose it will all end uo being my falut when she wakes up! She still has 8 head over in her room! Which ihas all my clothes in it and some more of my things

So what do i do now?!?!?! I said i was going to leave and move out but I fucking well aint going to!!

Please help thi little girl on the edge!

V

I dont know what to do. Why am i crying to a computer screen who cant help me!

I hate myself so much!

V

Howdey

Sat here on a monday morning of yet another day not going to university. Tut! not because i didnt want to go but how can i concentrate after having only 2 hours sleep. Not right!
I had a massive argument with one of best mates last night and ended up in a full blown fight with her. It was over such a silly reason which i wont go into detail on but lets just say i was a bit out of order to her. We seem okay this morning but i cant help thinking if there is something wrong with me. I just have so much aggression and i can hit out at the smallest things. It like there is a different person inside my head telling me that im such a bad person and I dont deserve to be here. Then this other person who I love and I know everyone else does too.

Hitting the bottle as they say lol. Im hitting it hard. I cant stop drinking and smoking. I had not had a fag for like 2 months and just went downstairs and bought a ten pack of B&H. Feels horrible when i breathe it in but having it there gives me some sort of control and power knowing I am doing that to my self. If only people new the truth about me and how i was feeling inside. I get drunk and sleep with random people and flirt till my hearts content. Lead people on! WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I think i just want attention and im not getting it. I want people to know I am around.

Im doing things that are making everyone else happy and yet my 'true colours' are showing through!

Help me! before i start going down a path i dont want to and i get lost.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Howdey all!

Just heard Britney Spears new song and i totally understand why she has released that song lol. I think its awsome.

Im feeling better now. Bit of a confession the guy was was telling me how beautiful he thought i was and then the next time asking me for a fuck????............ Well he came back to mine (before u get judgemental) we didnt fuck but we had a kiss and that and it was nice, he didnt try it on. I just dont understand :S i think he might be trying to lead me on to other things by coming over as a nice guy! but hasnt really spoke to me since. We shall see.

Im nervous as i go out to work next monday for 8 weeks then im back at university. I try not to let on that im nervous but i am scared as hell.

Rugby is going really good. We havent lost a game yet and i have been distancing myself from the coach who really pissed me off that time.

Im still feeling cold and a little unloved even though i seem like the most loved person. Am i being a stupid spoilt brat? i think so!

V

xxxx

Much love to all who read and leave comments

Can life play tricks on you? Or is it justthe simple fact that your doing things wrong in life?

I sit sometimes and wonder if i had made certain changes in my life, if i had done a few things differently, made changes i knew i should have changed, Been good when i was bad or been bad when i was being so good. Would i be feeling the way i do now? Dont get me wrong i am so happy with me life so far but i think i could always be happier!

I want someone to love. I want someone who loves me but am i just longing for something that isnt ready for me yet? I need answers i just need them!

university i think isnt going so well yet everyone is telling me how well im doing! For fuck sake why cant i believe them!

People tell me how loved i am! Why can i not feel it!

'Vicky you are pretty and so sweet' but yet i feel so ugly and drained!

i never thoght i would have a moment of dissapointment but since i lost the love of my life i just think that one day i will have him back but he has moved on! He is still one hell of a good friend to me but i cant help the way i feel!!!

Can you help me?

Does anyone have the right to tell someone how to be?
who has the right to be perdantic to me? Patronising? or even hurt my feelings?

I went to rugby training (I usually run there and back) Things was going fine, was having a really good session and then the coach picks up on the tinest mistake that i made. The bastard stopped the whole group of girls that are my bes friendsa dn shouted at me 'are you stupid? you play for essex and you make a mistake like that? I have 17 years coaching experiance and you cant fucking match up to me! stop being a retard and do something right for once' I started to get upset so i just walked away and got going home.

I had a bad night on the way home. I was followed by some guy who wouldnt leave me alone...............

I am so inlove! I really cant stop thinking about this person and i was with him on tuesday! he text me after saying that i am so special to him and i am amazing (i will just get my phone so i can write the actual text)

'You looked amazing tonight, So special to me and always will be. Cant wait till I see you walk through the door again. Your a beauty'

Then i recieve a text saying 'so when am i going to fuck you?'

What the hell?? Does he want to be with me as much i want to be with me? Or does he want a fuck buddy? What do you think?

Im feeling kinda lonely! I dont want someone there when they are but when there not i really really miss them? Something wrong with me?

Please answer my questions!!!

Howdey all!!

I like this blog thing helps me get it all out!! Wooo!!

Im happy today as i been on ebay and bidding and i just won and playstation 3 for £24.99 hahaha!! A superman top! and finally...... A wonder woman costume hahahahahahahahahahahaha I go to dublin in like 2 months for a rugby tour and the theme is superheros so i chose wonder woman, dont worry i will try and get a pic up so u can all see me in my glory!!

God there is this dude who is right fucked up! He says he likes me and i thought that i liked him 2 but he was being really weird last night. He phoned me and told me that he was in the pub with other women, so i said yeah and..... and he then came out with it makes u jelouse dont it! I was like omg what the fuk is his problem! So just by coincidence my best friend phoned me and said that he was in the pub that this guy was in and there wasnt actually and girls with him just his 2 work mates hahaha! So he is either trying to piss me off big time and its working or he is just being weird.......!

I miss my mum!
Im going shopping with her tomorrow so that should be cool to spend some time with her! I love living on my own but it is a bit stressfull as there money to worry about and food and loads of other stuff!!!

I miss a certain someone but i get to see him either 2mora night or sunday so i will give him a big cuddle (if im brave enough)lol

me and that old flame are just friends now! We hardly talk but tis okay! He likes someone else and so do I! I try talking on msn but its usually he says BRB and he dont reply for an hour so i cant be bothered anymore! never mind, i moving on!

One of my best friends from rugby is having a baby and im sooooooo excited!! I was with her when she found out she was pregnant and i cant wait for the baby to come!!!! but will be even better when she plays rugby again!!!!

Well im off now as i have got a date with a sexy piece of chicken lol

Love to all

V

xxxxx